Howdy y’all! Long time no talk! Life has been busy with finals and friends and trying to soak up every college experience before leaving for the summer. I don’t touch on anxiety too often because I like to think I don’t struggle with it but there are situations that suggest otherwise. Speaking in broad terms, anxiety and depression are a package deal in some form of fashion because of their similar nature, of course it’s different for everyone though. The other night I went to a gathering with friends, it was supposed to be a fun filled night to celebrate the end of our freshman year. Before this, I avoided being in groups of 10 or more people because I don’t do well in big groups. This particular night I must have forgotten that I didn’t do well in big groups, I walked in expecting to have the night of my life. Things took a turn for the worst quickly and I had to remove myself from the situation completely. I locked myself in a room with a close friend and just cried. Big groups make me feel unwanted, unloved, and when I don’t fit in, I panic. It’s so hard to explain how you feel in that moment because it almost feels like nothing, you just tell yourself you don’t belong then you shut down. I stayed in that room most of the night and my friends would come visit me, confused by the situation and state I was in. Before this, many of my friends didn’t know that I had problems being in groups because for the most part I’ve done a good job with groups. That night made me feel emotions that I haven’t felt since high school, emotions that I didn’t want to feel again. I’m angry at myself for not putting on an act and attempting to have fun that night. I’m angry at myself for making something about me yet again. And I’m angry at myself for thinking that I don’t belong or that I’m not loved. In that moment my anxiety got the best of me, and that’s what sucks. Mental illness removes you from the things in life that are supposed to be good. It beats you down until you feel so removed that you have no drive to be social anymore. It alienates you from happiness when you know in your heart that all you deserve is happiness. I don’t have any tips for dealing with social anxiety because I haven’t quite figured it out yet but I want you to know that you’re not alone. You’re not the only one in the room who would rather be sitting in a secluded, quiet place with 3 other people talking about life. You’re not the only one who feels like they don’t belong. You’re not the only one who is fighting back tears because you’re on sensory overload. Don’t force yourself into situations that make you feel these things. Surround yourself with friends who can tell when you’re not doing well and know what to do about it. Constantly remind yourself that despite what your brain says, you are LOVED! you are NEEDED! you are ENOUGH!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1 (800) 273-8255
Self Care with Claire 