This topic has been sitting in my drafts since I started this blog, and my heart is literally hurting beginning to write about it. I avoided this topic for so long, not because I’m not passionate about it or don’t want to talk about it, but because of the simple fact that this is easily the most stigmatized topic within the mental health world and I was never ready to talk about my experiences. I listened to podcasts, read studies, did everything I could to try to prepare myself for this one but my blog isn’t supposed to be calculated and it never has been, so I’m going to speak from my heart just like I have in every other post. With that, I do feel the need to include a trigger warning and let you know that this post may include sensitive material and if you aren’t in a place to read it please don’t.
I started self harming my freshman year of high school and am only 11 months removed from the last time I did it. 4 long years of hurt, confusion, and a lot of band-aids, frankly. I don’t think it ever came from an aggressive place, and for a long time I couldn’t really tell you why I did it. But as time has gone on I am now able to recognize the patterns and why I did what I did. For me, hurting myself physically was a way to channel the pain that I was feeling internally, and while I understand that sounds cliché and somewhat pitiful, its the truth. But after I did it, there was almost an instant feeling of regret, and of course you don’t realize the permanence and repercussions of it all until after the fact. Each day was a new challenge, trying to figure out how I could cover them up, how I could dance without getting blood all over the place, and how to bring the least attention to myself. But at the same time they were a cry for help, I remember the day I finally decided enough was enough and I walked into my dance teachers office and just showed her my wrist. I could see the heartbreak in her eyes, because to everyone I was the girl who walked into practice at 6am every single day with a smile on her face, but suddenly I wasn’t. After that we took a trip up to the counselors office and she had to call my parents to tell them, it was such a heartbreaking moment for me for so many reasons. My parents came to pick me up from school and we just sat outside for a while staring at eachother. It was 2pm on a Wednesday, my family is never all together at 2pm on a Wednesday. I know their hearts were broken, they were just as confused and sad as I was. You never want that for your child, you never want them to feel so sad and alone to the point where they hurt themselves, I can only imagine how they felt as parents. They did everything they could to support me and love me even when they didn’t understand. I slept in my parents room for almost 2 months while my dad slept on the couch when I was at one of the lowest points in my life, and I’m sure he would have slept on that couch for as long as I needed him to. In my day to day life, I had to ask them for knives to make sandwiches, razors to shave my legs, and medicine when I got a headache, they sacrificed to much to keep me safe.
Even today, I still have to live with the decisions I made when I was at my worst. Working up the courage to go to the beach or pool and wear a bathing suit is something I never thought I would have trouble with. But I can only imagine what people think when they see my legs, wondering what could have been so bad for me to do that to myself. Or when I’m sitting down and my shorts don’t cover all my scars and I make every effort to cover them up. But I think I’m almost at the point where I don’t notice them anymore, just like my freckles, they’re simply apart of me and a part of what makes me, me. They’re a reminder of the struggles, but even a louder reminder that I am alive and happy and loved by so so many people.
As always, I would like to wrap this post up with some advice to those who have/do self harm and to those who have friends/family who struggle with self harm. First and foremost, if you see something, SAY SOMETHING! You can make so many excuses as to why you don’t want to report your friend, but it is necessary. Majority of the time, visible cuts are a cry for help and as much as someone says they don’t want help they truly do. With it being such a heavy, serious topic I wouldn’t suggest trying to handle it yourself, professionals are professionals for a reason. And if you’re the one struggling with self harm, I know where you’re at. And I’m not going to demand you to stop but I am going to say that getting help doesn’t make you weak. For a long time I thought I could navigate all of this by myself but I can confidently say that if I did not seek help I wouldn’t be alive today. I would not have met some of my best friends, I would not be attending a university I love dearly, and I know now that I deserve the life I am living. The scabs will go away, the pain will disappear, and you will get better. Do yourself a favor today and seek out help because you deserve life and love and happiness more than you know.
You are LOVED. You are NEEDED. You are ENOUGH.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1 (800) 273-8255
Self Care with Claire 